Because independence isn't about doing everything alone. It's about knowing you can.
Grab your coffee, Bestie. We need to talk.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it really means to be an independent woman. Not the version you see on social media, where someone is standing on a mountaintop with her arms stretched toward the sky, celebrating her newfound freedom. I'm talking about the everyday kind of independence. The kind that comes from knowing how to handle things when life doesn't go according to plan.
I've spent a good part of my life figuring things out as I went along. Sometimes because I wanted to, sometimes because I had no choice, and plenty of times because I was too stubborn to admit I didn't know what I was doing. I've made mistakes, learned expensive lessons, and discovered that I'm capable of far more than I once gave myself credit for.And here's something I've learned along the way: being independent doesn't mean you don't want someone beside you. It means you're not afraid of what happens if there isn't someone beside you.
So, let's talk about ten things I think every woman should know how to do for herself. Not because we need to prove anything to anyone, but because life is a whole lot more enjoyable when you're not waiting for someone else to give you the confidence to live it.
1. Understand Your Own Money
Let's start with something that isn't particularly glamorous but might be the most important thing on this list.
You should know where your money is, what you owe, what you own, and what it actually costs to live your life. Not approximately. Not because someone told you everything is fine. You should know.
I've spent much of my professional life in finance and business operations, and I can tell you that understanding money isn't about being good at math. It's about asking questions, paying attention, and refusing to be intimidated by something simply because it seems complicated. You don't have to become an investment expert overnight. Start by understanding your monthly expenses, knowing how to access your accounts, checking your credit, and learning the basics of how your retirement savings are invested.
Whether you're married, divorced, single, or somewhere in between, financial knowledge gives you choices. And choices give you freedom.
2. Handle a Problem Around the House
I'm not suggesting we all need to become plumbers, electricians, or general contractors. In fact, sometimes the smartest thing you can do is call someone who knows what they're doing.But there's something incredibly satisfying about figuring out why something isn't working and realizing you can fix it yourself.
Know where your water shutoff valve is. Learn how to reset a breaker safely, recognize when a problem requires a professional, and use a few basic tools. And for goodness' sake, know how to operate the equipment you own. I've taken on enough home and property projects to know that things rarely go exactly as planned. I've also learned that you can figure out an astonishing number of things with a little patience, a good tutorial, and the willingness to try.
The goal isn't to do every repair yourself. It's to be able to assess the problem, make an informed decision, and not feel helpless when something breaks.
3. Go Somewhere Alone and Actually Enjoy It
This one is harder for some women than they care to admit.
Go to a restaurant alone. Take yourself out for coffee. Spend an afternoon exploring a town you've never visited. Maybe even book a weekend away. And here's the challenge: don't spend the entire time staring at your phone so you don't look like you're alone.
I've done quite a bit of solo traveling over the past two years, and let me tell you, it hasn't all been glamorous. In Italy, I've driven the wrong way down one-way streets more times than I care to admit. I've driven down what I'm fairly certain was supposed to be a sidewalk, although at the time I was convinced it was a road. And then there was Philadelphia, where I somehow managed to enter a private, locked apartment building in Chinatown, hauling an unbelievable amount of crap, make my way all the way up to the seventh floor, encounter absolutely no one who spoke a lick of English, and eventually discover that I wasn't even in the building where my Airbnb was located. How I got into that locked building in the first place is still a mystery. I've also dined alone in fabulous restaurants, met wonderful people I never would have crossed paths with otherwise, and experienced places in ways I probably wouldn't have if I'd been traveling with someone else. And you know what? I wouldn't trade a single one of those experiences for the world. Not even the sidewalk in Italy.
There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Learning to enjoy your own company is one of the most liberating things you can do. I've come to appreciate the freedom of deciding where I want to go, when I want to leave, and how long I want to stay. No negotiations, no compromises, and no feeling guilty because I want to spend another hour wandering through a little shop. Will everything go according to plan? Clearly not, at least not if you're traveling with me. But that's half the fun. You figure things out, you collect some pretty entertaining stories, and somewhere along the way you realize you're perfectly capable of navigating the world on your own. Even if your navigation skills occasionally leave something to be desired.
You might discover that you're pretty good company.
4. Make a Big Decision Without Needing Everyone's Approval
This doesn't mean you shouldn't seek advice. I ask questions, gather information, and consider different perspectives all the time. But there's a difference between getting advice and needing permission. At some point, you have to trust yourself enough to make the decision, even when other people don't understand it.
Whether it's changing careers, moving somewhere new, ending something that no longer makes you happy, or simply choosing to live differently, there will always be someone who thinks you're making a mistake. Listen to people you respect. Consider the consequences. Then remember that you're the one who has to live with the decision.
And if it turns out to be the wrong one? Well, you can figure that out too.
5. Know What to Do When Your Car Won't Cooperate
You don't need to know how to rebuild an engine. But you should know what the warning lights on your dashboard mean, how to check your tire pressure, and what to do if you get a flat. Now, I should probably confess that my personal approach to automotive emergencies is making absolutely certain my AAA membership is paid up. I believe in being independent, but I also believe in knowing when to delegate.
Seriously though, know where your insurance information is, who to call for roadside assistance, and how to describe a problem to a mechanic. Most importantly, don't be afraid to ask questions when someone explains what needs to be repaired. You don't have to understand every mechanical detail to understand what you're paying for. I believe this applies to just about everything in life. You don't have to be the expert in the room, and independence certainly doesn't mean you have to do everything yourself. Sometimes it simply means knowing what needs to be done, who to call, and having the confidence to handle the situation.
And in my case, making sure AAA has my current credit card information.
6. Build Friendships That Exist Outside Your Relationship or Family
This one is particularly close to my heart.
If you've followed my story, you know that a simple video of two women laughing on a boat is what brought many of us together here. What surprised me most wasn't the attention the video received. It was how many women responded to the friendship itself. Some asked how we'd maintained a friendship for so many years. Others talked about wishing they had someone like that in their lives. It made me realize how many women are craving genuine connection.
Friendships don't just happen because we want them to. They require effort, time, forgiveness, and sometimes being the one who picks up the phone first. And they matter. Not because something is missing from your marriage or family, but because having people in your life who know you as an individual is important.
If you've lost touch with an old friend, reach out. If you want to make new friends, put yourself in situations where that can happen. It may feel awkward at first, but so does just about everything worth doing.
7. Advocate for Yourself
Whether you're sitting in a doctor's office, negotiating a salary, dealing with a contractor, or trying to resolve a billing mistake, learn to speak up. Ask questions. Request explanations. Get a second opinion when something doesn't seem right.
I've spent decades in business environments where making decisions, challenging assumptions, and negotiating were part of my everyday life. Yet I've seen how easily people, particularly women, can hesitate to advocate for themselves in their personal lives. I haven’t always been good at his one and boy do I wish now I could go back in time. Looking back, I realize that advocating for yourself isn't about being difficult or confrontational. It's about recognizing that your voice, your needs, and your opinions deserve to be heard. I can't go back and change those moments, but I can certainly make sure I handle them differently today. And believe me, I do.
You can be kind, respectful, and still be firm. You don't need to apologize for wanting to understand something or for expecting to be treated fairly. And you certainly don't need to agree with someone simply because they sound confident.
8. Learn Something That Intimidates You
Technology. Investing. Operating a boat. Using power tools. Traveling internationally. Starting a business.
Pick something you've always assumed was beyond your abilities and learn how to do it. One of the biggest mistakes we make as we get older is deciding that certain things just aren't for us. We tell ourselves we're too old, too inexperienced, or simply not that kind of person. Who decided that?
And before you think I've mastered this one, let me assure you, I still have plenty of work to do here myself. Two things currently sitting on my personal list are learning Italian and figuring out this whole social media world. I've been putting off learning Italian for longer than I'd like to admit, mostly because it's hard. Considering how much time I spend in Italy, you'd think I'd have made more progress by now. But apparently hoping to absorb the language through good food, wine, and conversation isn't quite the educational strategy I'd imagined.
Then there's social media. Until recently, I was never particularly active on it, and now here I am with a website, a blog, and social media accounts, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to post, when I'm supposed to post it, and why anyone would want to watch me doing it. Some days I feel like I've got a little bit figured out. Other days, not so much.
But that's really the point, isn't it? We don't have to be good at everything, and we certainly don't have to pretend we are. I'm still learning new things all the time. Some come easily, others are frustrating, and occasionally I wonder why I thought they were a good idea in the first place. I'd much rather be a beginner at something new than spend the rest of my life assuming I can't do it. So, Italian lessons and social media tutorials, here I come. Eventually. I'm still working on that procrastination thing.
You don't have to master it. Just prove to yourself that you're capable of learning.
9. Say No Without Writing a Three-Paragraph Explanation
This one deserves its own coffee conversation, and I can tell you that learning to do it has been one of the biggest parts of my personal evolution.
For much of my life, I was the person who could figure things out, solve problems, take on another responsibility, and somehow make everything work. In my professional life, that's been a tremendous asset. But in my personal life, I've learned that being capable of doing something doesn't necessarily mean I should be the one doing it.
Somewhere along the way, many of us became very good at making everyone else comfortable, even when it meant making ourselves miserable. We say yes to invitations we don't want to attend, commitments we don't have time for, and favors we resent agreeing to. We take on other people's problems because we know we can solve them, and then wonder why we're exhausted or frustrated.
For me, learning to say no has been an enormous contributor to the peace I have in my life today. And it didn't happen overnight. I had to become comfortable with the idea that someone might be disappointed, that I might not meet everyone's expectations, or that something might simply not get done because I chose not to do it.
That's not always easy, especially when you've spent years being the person everyone can count on. But I've come to realize there's a difference between being dependable and being endlessly available. I can care about someone without taking responsibility for their happiness. I can love my family and friends without agreeing to everything they ask of me. And I can choose how I spend my time without feeling obligated to justify that choice. Perhaps the biggest change has been realizing that I don't need everyone to understand or agree with my decisions. I used to spend far too much energy explaining myself, hoping that if I could just make someone understand my reasoning, they'd be okay with my answer. Now I recognize that they don't necessarily have to be okay with it.
You can be kind, generous, and thoughtful while still having boundaries. Saying no doesn't make you selfish, and protecting your peace doesn't mean you care any less about the people in your life. Sometimes "No, I can't do that" really is a complete answer.
And I can't begin to tell you how much lighter life feels when you finally believe that.
10. Create a Life You Actually Look Forward To
This might be the most important one.
Not a life that looks impressive to other people. Not one that checks all the boxes you thought you were supposed to check. A life that genuinely makes you happy. Maybe that means traveling more, making new friends, changing careers, downsizing your home, learning to fish, starting a garden, or finally taking that class you've talked about for years. Maybe it means doing absolutely nothing on a Saturday afternoon without feeling like you should be doing something productive.
For me, this stage of life has been about discovering that I can appreciate everything that came before while still being excited about what comes next. I don't have everything figured out. Not even close. But I've stopped believing that I need to have the entire road mapped out before I start driving.
And that's a pretty wonderful feeling.
So, Where Do You Start?
If you read this list and thought, "Well, I don't know how to do half of those things," congratulations. You now have a starting point.
Pick one. Just one.
Maybe this weekend you take yourself to lunch. Maybe you sit down and finally figure out what's happening with your retirement account. Maybe you call an old friend, learn how to use that tool sitting in your garage, or say no to something you really don't want to do. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Nobody needs to know about it. You don't even have to be particularly good at it. Just do something that reminds you that you're capable of taking care of yourself and creating a life you enjoy.
Because here's the thing, Bestie. Independence isn't about proving you don't need anyone. It's about having the confidence to choose who and what you want in your life, rather than making those choices out of fear. And this is really just the beginning. There's so much more we could talk about with each of these ten things, and I'd love to explore them in greater depth in future Coffee Conversations. If one of these topics particularly resonates with you, or there's something you're struggling with, let me know in the comments. I'd love for your experiences and questions to help shape what we talk about next.
Now, I'm curious. What's one thing you've learned to do for yourself that made you feel more independent? Or what's something you've always wanted to learn but haven't tried yet?
Tell me in the comments. I have a feeling we could all learn a few things from each other.
Until our next coffee conversation,
Kat ☕